FEMALE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS

Below are some extracts taken from the Female Guiness Book of Records.

Traffic Light Cosmetics
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying makeup was one of 1 hr 51 mins 8 secs by Ms Janet Dodson (GB) at a road junction in the centre of Preston on 1st August 1975. Ms.Dodson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the lights, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching almost 28 miles towards Leeds.

Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing'on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate,Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later.There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504km (313miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs.Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a
chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.

Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unelightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur Dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet imultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.

Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs. Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her
neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles,nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.

A letter to the bank

This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The Bank thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2001, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.

I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes.

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.

Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
(Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received).
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. (Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.)
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
(Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received)
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
8. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie:"

"Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.

As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me.

Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page.

Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.

Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your humble client,
[ Name withheld ]

Eternal Truths

1) Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

2) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

3) If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

4) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

5) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

6) I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

7) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

8) We cannot change the direction of the wind ... but we can adjust our sails.

9) Some days are a total waste of makeup.

10) Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you again?

11) If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.

12) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

13) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

14) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

15) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

16) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

17) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

18) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

19) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

20) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

21) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

22) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

23) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

24) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

25) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

26) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

27) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

28) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

29) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

30) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

31) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

32) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

How dumb do they really think I am?

-----Original Message-----
From: marie kabila [mailto:mkabila@eudoramail.com]
Sent: 16 May 2002 22:44
To:
Subject: help
DATE: 16/05/2002

Dear Sir,

I am very much interested to enter into a mutual business relation with you, after going through your profile yesterday. I am Mrs. Marie Kabila, the second wife of the late President of Democratic Republic of Congo, Laurent Desire Kabila who was assassinated on January 16th 2001, by one of his security aides.

I am under severe pressure from this present military government headed by the first son of my late husband, General Joseph Kabila who felt victimized due to all the deposited funds registered under my care by my late husband and the incessant family problems between his biological mother and I. He has seized a lot of deposit through the help of his friend who is the Governor of Central Bank of Congo. However, I have USD18.M (Eighteen Million USD) currently in a coded security company Overseas, which I now intend to use to establish a profitable business venture in your country to enable me and my family start life all over again. As a result, I am urgently in need of a very reliable investor participant who is not known as my associate, that I could entrust with the PIN and Certificate of Deposit to help me remove the fund since no name were used in securing the vault. I can not successfully claim it myself as the government starlight is till on my immediate family, hence I crave your assistance. You will in addition bank and assist me in investing (with my lawyers approval in any project) as a front until the situation becomes more favorable for us to now meet and discuss the way forward.

Finally, more details on the logistics and modalities of the transaction will be given to you on my receiving your acceptance letter. I do not need to remind you of the absolute secrecy and confidentiality that this transaction demands. Reply through email address: mkabila@eudoramail.com

And I will tell you where I am now.

Thanks in Anticipation.

Best regards,
Madam. Marie Kabila

Charles Schultz Philosophy

[You don't actually have to take the quiz. Just read the email straight through, and you'll get the point (an awesome one) that it is trying to make!]

Take this quiz:
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.

But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.

Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier?

The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.

They are the ones that care.

Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life.

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."

----- Charles Schultz

Bet You Do Not Know

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon."

In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King & the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.U.C.K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from. (TOTAL B.S.)

Socrates

Method
The Socratic method is a negative method of hypotheses elimination, in that better hypotheses are found by steadily identifying and eliminating those which lead to contradictions. The method of Socrates is a search for the underlying hypotheses, or assumptions, which may unconsciously shape one's opinion, and to make them the subject of scrutiny, to determine their consistency with other beliefs. The basic form is a series of questions formulated as tests of logic and fact intended to help a person or group discover their beliefs about some topic, exploring the definitions seeking to characterize the general characteristics shared by various particular instances. To the extent to which this method is designed to bring out definitions implicit in the interlocutors' beliefs, or to help them further their understanding, it was called the method of maieutics. Aristotle attributed to Socrates the discovery of the method of definition and induction, which he regarded as the essence of the scientific method.

Practice
A skillful teacher can actually teach students to think for themselves using this method. This is the only classic method of teaching that was designed to create genuinely autonomous thinkers. There are some crucial principles to this form of teaching:

· The teacher and student must agree on the topic of instruction.

· The student must agree to attempt to answer questions from the teacher.

· The teacher and student must be willing to accept any correctly-reasoned answer.
That is, the reasoning process must be considered more important than facts.

· The teacher's questions must expose errors in the students' reasoning or beliefs.
That is, the teacher must reason more quickly and correctly than the student, and discover errors in the students' reasoning, and then formulate a question that the students cannot answer except by a correct reasoning process. To perform this service, the teacher must be very quick-thinking about the classic errors in reasoning.

· If the teacher makes an error of logic or fact, it is acceptable for a student to correct the teacher.
Since a discussion is not a dialogue, it is not a proper medium for the Socratic method. However, it is helpful -- if second best -- if the teacher is able to lead a group of students in a discussion. This is not always possible in situations that require the teacher to evaluate students, because it encourages the students to reason rather than appeal to authority.

-- contributed by Master of Gas Chamber

Interesting Quotes

Life is Fair, Live it Or Leave it!
- unknown

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
- Marianne Williamson

Whatever the mind of man can CONCEIVE and BELIEVE it can ACHIEVE.
- Napolean Hill

The value of life lies not in the length of days, but in the use we make of them; a man may live long yet live very little.
- Montaigne, Essays, 1580-88

Our life end the day we stop caring about things that matter.
- Martin Luther King

Always behave like a duck, keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath.
- Jacob Braude

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.
- Helen Keller

Two men look out through the same bars: One sees the mud, and one sees the stars.
- Frederick Langbridge

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
- Rabindranath Tagore

If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
- Abraham Maslow

Love all, trust a few.
- Shakespeare, "All's Well That Ends Well"

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
- Sacha Guitry

Any fact facing us is not as important as our ATTITUDE towards it, for that determines our success or failure.
- N.V. Peale

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow.
- Helen Keller

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.
- Aristotle

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
- Albert Einstein

The significant problems that we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
- Albert Einstein

Fear not fear itself.
- Marie Curie

Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill all and you are GOD!
- Jean Rostand

Labour and learn in pursuit of your dream. The best things in life are all upstream. What you put in is what you get. Pain of discipline beats regrets.
- unknown

Nothing is more expensive than a missed opportunity.
- H. Jackson Brown JR.

Paradox of Our Time

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less.

We plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight, and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

The Art of Changing Yourself

Life is constantly pounding you from the outside with millions of hammer blows, but you have the last word as to how those blows will change you.

Man alone, of all creatures of earth, can change his own pattern. Man alone is architect of his destiny.

William James declared that the greatest revolution in his generation was the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.

History and literature are full of examples of the miracle of inner change -- Paul on the Damascus Road ... Ernest and the GreatStone Face ... the hunchback prince, of the Persian story, who became straight and tall by standing each day before a statue of himself made straight ...

You cannot climb uphill by thinking downhill thoughts. If yourworld is gloomy and hopeless, it is because you are gloomy and hopeless. YOU MUST CHANGE YOUR MIND TO CHANGE YOUR WORLD.

Change demands self-discipline. Command yourself and make yourself do what needs to be done.

Change requires the substituting of new habits for old. You mould your character and your future by your thoughts and acts.

Change can be advanced by associating with men and women withwhom you can walk among the stars. Meet, mingle and make friends with those who have the upward urge.

Change can be inspired by selecting your own spiritual ancestors from among the great of all the ages. You can practice the kindliness of Lincoln, the devotion of Schweitzer, the vision of Franklin...

Change can be achieved by changing your environment. Let go of lower things and reach for the higher. Surround yourself with the best in books, music and art. Listen to the greatest speakers. Hang on the walls of your home portraits of the men you most admire.

Change can be realised through conscious evolution. Moment bymoment, day by day, concentrate on becoming the man you want to be.

Change can be accomplished most of all through the power of will, because with will all things are possible.

Choices

You can choose what kind of day you're going to have.

Choices:

You can complain because the weather is rainy, or you can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.

You can feel sad that you don't have more money, or you can be glad that your finances encourage you to plan your purchases wisely and guide you away from waste.

You can grumble about your health, or you can rejoice that you are alive.

You can lament over all that your parents didn't give you when you were growing up, or you can feel grateful they allowed you to be born.

You can cry because roses have thorns, or you can celebrate that thorns have roses.

You can mourn your lack of friends, or you can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.

You can whine because you have to go to work, or you can shout for joy because you have a job to do.

You can complain because you have to go to school, or eagerly open your mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.

You can murmur dejectedly because you have to do housework, or you can feel happy that you have shelter for your mind, body and soul.

The day stretches ahead of you, waiting to be shaped. And here you are, the sculptor, who gets to do the shaping.

My Resignation as an Adult

To Whom It May Concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a six-year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.

M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them.

I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolours in art.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple.

When all you knew were colours, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

When all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things that should make you worried and upset.

I want to think that the world is fair.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

Somewhere in my youth...I matured and I learned too much.

I learned of nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, starvation and abused children.

I learned of lies, unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain and death.

I learned of a world where men left their families to go and fight for our country, and if they were lucky enough to return, often found themselves living on the streets...begging for their next meal.

I learned of a world where children knew how to kill...and did!!

What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn't grasp the concept of death?

When we thought the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball?

I want to be overly excited by little things once again.

I want to return to the days when reading was fun and music was clean.

When television was used to report the news or for family entertainment and not to promote sex, violence and deceit.

I remember being naive and thinking that everyone was happy because I was.

I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and the prettiest seashell I could find.

I would spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike.

I didn't worry about time, bills or where I was going to find the money to fix my car.

I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out.

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind and making angels in the snow.

I want to be six again.

Author Unknown

to whoever the unknown author is......
reminiscences of summer gone is bittersweet,
but wait not for winter to come before autumn is fully savoured,
not six, neither sixty, an adult nevertheless.

"Carrie" Fovea

A lesson to remember!

Once there were a group of man - a young hot-blooded guy and a big number of old folks, doing timber job in a jungle (i.e. chopping down trees). This young chap is very hard working. He always continues to work through his break time and complains that those old folks were wasting time, having to break few times a day to drink & chat.

As times goes by, this young guy noticed that even though he worked thru' break time and hardly took a rest.... those old folks are chopping the same amount of trees as he did and sometimes did more than he did. It was as if those old folks work thru' the break time as he did. So he decided to work harder the next day....unfortunately the results were even worse.

One day, one of the old folk invited him for a drink during their break time. That young guy refused and said he has no extra time to spend!

Then the old man smiled to him and said "It was just a waste of effort to keep chopping trees without re-sharpening your knife. Sooner or later you will give up or be so exhausted as you have spent too much energy."

Suddenly the young man realised that actually during break times while those old folks were having a chat, they were also re-sharpening their knife at the same time! And that's how they can chop faster than him and yet spending lesser time !

The old man said "What we need is efficiency by making use of our skill and ability intelligently. Only then can we have more times to do other things. Otherwise you will always keep saying... I have no time!"

The morale of the story :-
By taking a short break during work, it would make you feel fresher, think better and work better after the break! (or am I just finding excuse to take a break?) But by taking a break, it is not to stop work but to rest and re- think our strategy to go about it from another angle.

Think smart, work smart and rest smart.

Three Things of Life

Three things of life once gone never comes back
- Time, words & opportunity

Three things of life must not be lost
- Peace, hope & honesty

Three things of life are most valuable
- Love, self-confidence & friends

Three things of life are never sure
- Dreams, success & fortune

Three things make a man
- Hard work, sincerity & success

Three things of life that destroy a man
- Wine, pride & anger

Larry Ellison's Speech at Yale

What follows is a transcript of the speech deliveredby Larry Ellison, CEO of ORACLE (was the 2nd Richest man onthe planet) at the Yale University to their graduating class of year 2000 ... (fiction)


"Graduates of Yale University, I apologize if you have endured this type of prologue before, but I want you to do something for me. Please, take a good look around you. Look at the classmate on your left. Look at the classmate on your right. Now, consider this: five years from now, 10 years from now, even 30 thirty years from now, odds are the person on your left is going to be a loser. The person on your right, meanwhile, will also be a loser. And you, in the middle? What can you expect? Loser. Loserhood. Loser Cum Laude.

"In fact, as I look out before me today, I don't see a thousand hopes for a bright tomorrow. I don't see a thousand future leaders in a thousand industries. I see a thousand losers.

"You're upset. That's understandable. After all, how can I, Lawrence 'Larry' Ellison, college dropout, have the audacity to spout such heresy to the graduating class of one of the nation's most prestigious institutions? I'll tell you why. Because I, Lawrence "Larry" Ellison, second richest man on the planet, am a college dropout, and you are not.

"Because Bill Gates, richest man on the planet -- for now, anyway is a college dropout, and you are not.

"Because Paul Allen, the third richest man on the planet, dropped out of college, and you did not.

"And for good measure, because Michael Dell, No. 9 on the list and moving up fast, is a college dropout, and you, yet again, are not.

"Hmm... you're very upset. That's understandable. So let me stroke your egos for a moment by pointing out, quite sincerely, that your diplomas were not attained in vain. Most of you, I imagine, have spent four to five years here, and in many ways what you've learned and endured will serve you well in the years ahead. You've established good work habits. You've established a network of people that will help you down the road. And you've established what will be lifelong relationships with the word 'therapy.'

All that of is good. For in truth, you will need that network. You will need those strong work habits. You will need that therapy.

"You will need them because you didn't drop out, and so you will never be among the richest people in the world. Oh sure, you may, perhaps, work your way up to No. 10 or No. 11, like Steve Ballmer. But then, I don't have to tell you who he really works for, do I? And for the record, he dropped out of grad school. Bit of a late bloomer.

"Finally, I realize that many of you, and hopefully by now most of you, are wondering, 'Is there anything I can do? Is there any hope for me at all?'

Actually, no. It's too late. You've absorbed too much, think you know too much. You're not 19 anymore. You have a built-in cap, and I'm not referring to the mortar boards on your heads.

"Hmm... you're really very upset. That's understandable. So perhaps this would be a good time to bring up the silver lining. Not for you, Class of 2000. You are a write-off, so I'll let you slink off to your pathetic $200,000-a-year jobs, where your checks will be signed by former classmates who dropped out two years ago.

"Instead, I want to give hope to any underclassmen here today. I say to you, and I can't stress this enough: leave. Pack your things and your ideas and don't come back. Drop out. Start up.

"For I can tell you that a cap and gown will keep you down just as surely as these security guards dragging me off this stage are keeping me down...."

Bill Gates' 11 Rules

This might get some kids heads out of the clouds (or rain forests !!!)

Like him or not, he has some very good insights..... In Bill Gates' new book, he lays out 11 rules that students do not learn in high school or college, but should. He argues that our feel good politically correct teachings have created a generation of kids with no concept of reality who are set-up for failure in the real world.

The List:

Rule 1. Life is not fair; get used to it.

Rule 2. The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3. You will NOT make $40,000 a year out of high school. You won't be vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.

Rule 4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

Rule 5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.

Rule 6. If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7. Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try "delousing" the closet in your own room.

Rule 8. Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9. Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10. Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Failure

Failure doesn't mean - You are a failure.
It means - You have not succeeded.

Failure doesn't mean - You accomplished nothing.
It means - You have learned something.

Failure doesn't mean - That you have been a fool.
It means - You had a lot of faith.

Failure doesn't mean - You've been disgraced.
It means -You were willing to try.

Failure doesn't mean - You don't have it.
It means - You have to do something in a different way.

Failure doesn't mean - You are inferior.
It means - You are not perfect.

Failure doesn't mean - You've wasted your life.
It means - You have a reason to start afresh.

Failure doesn't mean - You should give up.
It means - You must try harder.

Failure doesn't mean - You'll never make it.
It means - It will take a little longer.

Failure doesn't mean - The world has abandoned you.
It means -The world has a better way for you.

Why Is My Life So Difficult?

Why do some people find their path in life easier than others who seem to struggle and get nowhere?

No one's life on the Earth is easy. The Earth school is a learning environment. What you are on the Earth to learn is authentic power - the alignment of your personality with your soul. This requires learning how to create harmony, cooperation, sharing, and reverence for Life in a world that competes, hoards, values discord and exploits Life. It also requires developing the ability to see wisdom and compassion in every challenge. If you already had that ability, your experiences would not be as painful because you would look at the challenges in your life differently.

When you judge an experience as unfair, or a tragedy, or random, you automatically experience anger, emotional withdrawal, depression, fear or another of the many painful emotions that accompany the perception of yourself or another as a victim. When you see each of your challenges as an opportunity to discover and change the parts of yourself that feel like a victim rather than the creator of your own experiences, you automatically respond to the challenges in your life with gratitude, and even joy.

Moreover, when you respond to the challenges in your life with gratitude and appreciation, our responses to them change. Instead of reacting with anger, fear, depression, jealousy, rage or fear, you begin to respond with compassion and wisdom. You become more detached from your painful experiences, and that allows you to see the circumstances of your life more clearly and to respond to them more intelligently.

You "get nowhere" in your life by continuing to respond to the difficulties in your life in the same ways that you have responded to them in the past. Your experiences begin to change when your responses to your challenges begin to change.

Whether your responses change or not is for you to decide.

Ever Wonder

EVER WONDER where we are headed? ...

..why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

..why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

..why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

..why doctors call what they do "practice"?

..why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

..why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

..why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

..why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

..who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

..why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

..why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

..why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

..why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

..why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

..if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

..why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Work is Love Made Visible

You'll never achieve real success unless you like what you are doing.

Your chances for success will be directly proportional to the degree of pleasure you derive from what you do.

If you have a job you hate, face the fact squarely and get out.

If you enjoy what you do, you'll be successful.

If you don't enjoy what you do, you will not be successful.

Your success in any occupation depends on your enjoyment.

Loving your work will make all the difference.

Success in its highest and noblest form calls for peace of mind, enjoyment and happiness which comes only when you find the work that you like best.

You don't pay the price for success.

You enjoy the price for success.

Work is reward, not punishment.

Creativity

A blind man sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet and a sign that read:

"I am blind, please help".

A creative publicist was walking by him and stopped to observe he only had a few coins in his hat. He dropped a few more coins into his hat and without saying anything, took the sign, turned it around, and wrote on it.

He placed the sign by the blind man's feet and left.

That afternoon the creative publicist returned by the blind man and noticed that his hat was full of bills and coins. The blind man recognized his footsteps and asked if it was him who had re-written his sign and he
wanted to know what did he write on it?

The publicist responded: "Nothing that was not true, I just rewrote your sign differently".

He smiled and went on his way. The blind man never knew but his new sign read:

"TODAY IS SPRING AND I CANNOT SEE IT".

---- Change your strategy when something does not go your way.
---- Present yourself in a different way when things are not working out.
---- A change in outlook can turn your life around.

NASA

Engineers at NASA have developed a gun to launch dead chickens. It shoots the chickens at windshields of airline jets, military jets and the space shuttle at their maximum traveling velocity.

The purpose is to simulate collisions with airborne fowl and, therefore determine if the windshields are strong enough.

Upon hearing of the gun, British engineers were eager to test it out on the windshield of their new high-speed trains. However, upon firing the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified, the British engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment along with the designs of the windshield and asked for any suggestions.

The NASA engineers sent back a one-sentence response:

"Thaw the chicken."

Eleanor Roosevelt

She wrote:

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; if he betrays you twice, it is your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

He who loses money, loses much; he who loses a friend, loses much more; he who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Friends, you and me.... you brought another friend.... and then there were three. We started our group.... our circle of friends.... and like that circle.... there is no beginning or end.

Yesterday is history.... tomorrow is mystery.... today is a gift.

Focus on Problems vs. Focus on Solutions

1. One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the case of the empty soap box, which happened in one of Japan's biggest cosmetics companies.

The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soap box that was empty.

Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For some reason, one soap box went through the assembly line empty. Management asked its engineers to solve the problem.

Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soap boxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty.

No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent whoopee amount to do so. But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the same problem, did not get into complications of X-rays, etc but instead came out with another solution.

He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soap box passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.


2. When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity. (Ink won't flow down to the writing surface.)

In order to solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

And what did Russians do.......................................??? The Russians used a Pencil!!!

Moral of the story: KISS (Keep It Simple,Stupid)

i.e. always look for simple solutions.

Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problem. So, learn to focus on solutions not on problems.

Chalk Mark

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.

In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated,

"This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark, $1.00.
Knowing where to put it, $49,999.00.

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.